( I would want.... )

California is and is not what I expected it to be. I'm enjoying it, and I'm not nearly as home sick as I thought I would be.
I find my self counting my life between Sundays. I suppose it comes from staying in a religious house. Sundays are the one day a week the house is empty and I walk around trying to figure out which next step forward I will be doing next.

Work is easy but not at the same time.  Mostly it's just very long.

As for things I need to start doing, I think OI is my top priority.  I've been settling into my new life and spent very little time on the computer beyond stepping on to check my email every once every few days.  And seeing as I live on my computer normally, I think that's saying a lot.  I need to post the OI journal and start our battle royal death match.  Whoo.  

I must admit I'm a little nervous about running this whole operation.  I've been sitting on my hands because I really don't want to do the wrong thing and royally fuck things up.  This week with be a practical application of just getting over everything.

Emotionally I've been a standstill.  I effectively cut my self off from my childhood friends just before I moved down.
I think it's for the better though.  I was sick of the high school mentality and ready to move forward with my life rather then just living.  I have never felt so relaxed and free in that way.   So yes, I've been burying my hurt feelings and undeniable rage but on the other hand I've actually done things now.

I went bowling. I went to a drive in movie. I bought my own car. I bought my own insurance plan (61$ a month). I fell in love and made love to someone very close to me. I closed my old bank account.  I spent and evening with a  group of rowdy people I didn't know and I had fun. I got a job, on my OWN.   Over all things are looking up.

So yes, I'm exceptionally busy lately, but I kind of like it.

It's nice to know that I can take care of myself.  But better then that I know that I have someone here who is willing to help me take care of my self without judging me.  It's amazingly uplifting.


Okay, kumbiya's aside, I have work.  I hope everyone who reads this will think about how they've helped themselves lately and how they can help someone else. Ciao.

I work the most hours this week at work aside from the store manager and two ass. managers.  This makes me pleased.  It's nice that my boss Cathy is trying to give me the most possible hours before I make my way down to California.  Having more money for down payments is always good.  Especally since I don't know if I'll actually be able to transfer to the store down there yet or not.  Here's hoping.

I haven't been drawing much.  Okay, well that's not entirely true.  I haven't been drawing anything besides a few doodles here and there.  Nothing I really want to post to deviantart.  I think part of that might be nerves about the coming move.  I'm very nervous about transporting my external hardrive.  It's super sensitive.  I think I'll have to carry it in my lap the whole way down to make sure it doesn't get damaged.

Lots of RP's going on.  Maybe I should draw some stuff from that. |D Oh well.

-

 

Camp really changed me for the better I think.  I notice bullshit and have no tolerance for it now.  I don't put up with peoples manipulations, even from my own family.  I'm closer to being as emotionally strong as I used to pretend to be.  This makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside even though some people tell me it makes me an bitch.  A bitch with flavor and warm fuzzies I am then.

SNOW.

SNOW SNOW SNOW.

SNOOOOW. SNOWSNOWSNOW

SNOOOOWSNOOOWSNOOOW.

WORK.

...

DAMNIT.

General Update:

-Still not in California yet.  This makes me cry on the inside.

-PCC hasn't taken money out of my account yet even though I already set up a payment plan with them and it's making me nervous.  I don't really want the Federal government seizing my assets to pay for something I'm already in the process of paying.

-Family's in town for my sister's 24th birthday. While it allows getting out of chores to be easier it's very hectic around here.

-Panic attacks keep waking me up in the middle of the night.  I seriously think I need some anti-anxiety medication.  It's starting to interfere with my ability to work and stay at work.

-My mother are still on an emotional power-trip roller coaster, but I started my period before her this month.  I'm going to take the psychology behind that as a good sign.

-My room is a reflection of my life at the moment and in complete disarray.  I think it's because I don't want to get too comfortable. This isn't my house anymore.

That's all folks!

Okay. So.

I went downstairs today and opened the refigerator to be greeted by the friendly light inside.  And then I saw it.  A white shark hiding in and amongst the vegitables and leftovers of last night's potroast.  A britta water filter.  Designed to strain and filter your already clean water.  It sloshed at me as if to say 'that's right bitch I'm in your house' and I found my self irritated beyond belief.  Not because it was mocking me-

(and believe me, it /was/ mocking me)

-but because of the implications of having a high power water filter in my house.  The water from our tap comes from the Bullrun Watershed. It is natural rain water that is purified by the limestone bed it sits in.  The only added chemical in it is the bare necessiary amount of cholrine required by the FDA.  It is also one of the cleanest natural water resources in. the. fucking. world.

So tell me why is it suddenly necessary to filter said water?  I hadn't realized my family was really that kind of ridiculously wealthy and pretentous family that it needs to purify the cleanest water in the world. 

Think about it.

98% of the water on the planet is salt water and difficult to purify.   Which means only  2% of the planet's water is fresh.  Okay you say. 2% is bad, but it isn't /that/ bad.  Keep in mind that about 1.6% of that water is frozen in glaciers and icecaps.   Another 0.36% is hidden underground.  That leaves 0.036% of it to be shared around the world between 6.943 billion people.

Over 30% of Africa is without the basic need of clean drinking water.  Don't get me started on lack of clean water in Asia, South America, Eroupe and the Middle East, Pacific Islands, Carribean, Australia, North and Central America. Oh yeah.  And the fucking USA.

I know I'm a privilaged human being.  I just didn't realized I was /that/ priviliged to need to clean already clean water.  I'm going to got to get something to eat the rest of the week and see it sitting in there laughing at me.  And I'll realize:

And I have a water filter in my. fucking. fridge.

God. fucking. damnit.

Job hunting.

Ugh.  For most people I can just leave it at that.  Hunting for a job is slow, stressful and makes me feel like I'm chasing myself into small dizzying circles.  I've been hunting for nearly two weeks and have yet to receive any offers.

-

I am also working on two community pieces of art for DA and find it stressful.  Why is it that I always get artist block when I need to draw on a deadline? I seem to be holding myself back.

-

Camp was amazing.  I left at the beginning of this summer depressed and downtrodden.  Coming back I find myself with a fresh outlook on myself and my ability to deal with people and my environment.

-

Two weeks with Lauren, Krissy, and Manda in CA was amazing.

-

My grandparents are here for the next 8 days.  Its strange being with people I don't usually spend time with, but I really love them.  It's going to be a fun next couple of days.

life.

fucking.

sucks.

&

My second oldest sister refused to listen to me when I wanted to talk about why my mother is being crazy.  When I stood up for myself my step-dad said I was turning this into a "pissing contest".

&

One of the hardest parts of growing up, I find, is realizing how fucked up your parents can be.  That, in fact, they are not the all knowing, all good people you thought they were.  That, in fact, kisses don't make it all better and go away.

I also find that just because they are adults, doesn't mean they know how to conduct themselves all the times.

Removing myself from the lifelong breeding of denial is liberating on paper but in reality leaves me feeling very alone and cold inside.

When one finds oneself physically defending themselves from a person they are supposed to trust and depend on it leaves a deep gut wrenching feeling that doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try to re-enter the world of self-denial. 

My mother is verbally abusive.  I know this.  Most of the time I ignore it or (occasionally just roll over and obey her.  Lately she has taken up becoming increasingly physically abusive.  The small, frequently beaten six year old in me quivers.  To have to physically force her away from me in order to protect myself from bodily harm left me shaking and absolutely distraught. 

&

Having a mother tell me that because I have a basket of laundry in my room it makes me a 'fat, lazy slob' and that I can 'get the fuck out of the house right now and go live on the streets' leaves me cold and angry.  She also tells me if I don't obey everything she says I can just leave and never come back.

Such is the joy of a manipulative mother who projects, bullies, and throws things at her children as well as assaulting them.

Our home is turning into a regular domestic violence call.

Joy.

&

My boyfriend, whom I've been seeing only a short while, has revealed himself to be a controlling, jealous, and immature individual who believes that it's okay at any time to tell my Ex(who I am still close friends with and is his ROOMMATE)  "I may be getting sloppy seconds, but at lease I've made her cum".

Good job douche. 

&

Financial Aid to get to Prague is looking better and better by the second.  Perhaps I can get my oldest sister to co-sign for me.  Then I won't have to have the stench of cohesion and blackmail hanging over my head from my mother and step-father.

My plans for the year are as thus:

1. Attend Skylark Camp as a Unit Counciler from June 12 to August 22 visiting with Manda in Cali during my breaks.

2. Come home and pack up my room putting everything into storage and give out birthday gifts for my summer friends/family.

3. Fix my laptop and get a wireless plan I can use overseas

4. Fly off to Prague to get my TEFL and complete the course through TEFL WorldWide and use there program to get a job to teach in Japan.

5. Teach in Japan for at least the next 2+ years.

6. ????

7. PROFIT

SNOW.

OUTSIDE.

RIGHT NOW.

SNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOW
SNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOW
SNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOWSNOW

RIGHT NOW.

And I don't mean one or two flurries sporadicallyfalling as if they don't know what to do, I mean its looks like some epileptic kid was playing with powdered sugar and had a seizure while dumping it everywhere.
And for you people who don't live in the Willamette Valley, snow in March is something that pretty much never happens. Ever.

GLEE

I love the snow so much.  To bad I won't be here to enjoy it most of the day. lawl.
I'll be watching 'The Aviator' on my way to see the Spruce Goose today.  Hmm planes.  How I miss you aviation classes.

I haven't been on for a while so I thought I'd do an update.

Classes: Failing
Art: Overworked
Odds and Ends: Nose is not healing, I caught myself on fire today
Work: sucks
Friends: Awesome
Life: slow spiral.  Upwards or downwards or just in circles? I'm not sure.

That is all.

Well my new job is looking good!  Saturday I was hugged by a customer, I've had a lot of people ask for my name so they can fill positive comments on the comments card.  Apparently Retail is what I was made for.

Now I just have to wait for this job to break my soul. Because that's what always happens.

Other news:

Between two deaths, a fever, and a knew job, keeping up in school has been difficult. But I think I'm catching back up.  I just have one more assignment to fill out then I'm golden.  Too bad it's supposed to be four pages long. Ugh.

V-day is coming up and I very excited because my mother is actually a participating member again.  As children V-day was a lot like Easter in our family.  Only without parents.  That is to say, we always got heart-shaped cookies and little gifts on the counter-top in the morning with a note that read 'At the beach -Love Mom and Dad'  When I got older it just seemed to be fading away... but now it's back, with a vengeance!  It makes me very happy.

I owe the members of the dA community Org-Infinity about 12 pictures and I think I owe an additional four that I haven't written down.  Which leaves me busy, busy, busy.

Other then that, I think things are going good!

There is a school in Toronto wishing to establish itself as an all-black school.  Because apparently it's oppressive and distracting to be in a school with children of other skin tones, i.e. white.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

How ethnocentric can you be?

Not to mention their the whole racism thing with the definition of 'Black'. They mean African-American, or African. BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE BLACK WHO HAVE NEVER SET A GENETIC STRAIN OF DNA IN AFRICA. What about Arabs? Or East Indians, or Western Asians? Surely they need to be part of the black school too. But if you're following the 'definition' of black then WHITE AFRICANS should be allowed to attend too, which totally destroys the purpose of the school!

And I hate hate hate HATE when a minority uses "the white man" to justify racism. If I built an all-white school it would be burnt to the ground. Burn down an all-black school and your labeled a KKK supporter.

Nothing is more tiring then trying to defend a whole color spectrum for something you weren't even apart of. It's like, yes, your people were brutally enslaved and I'm sorry if any of my deceased relatives were apart of that. But it isn't anything new, because AFRICANS WERE ENSLAVING OTHER AFRICANS before a whites set a foot on your home land. And in case you forgot I WASN'T THERE. Just because I'm white doesn't mean I believe in any of the things that were done in history. 'Cuz if we're following that line of thought then I should marry my brother when my husband dies because the Bible tells me so. What kind of backwards shit is that???

*Ahem* I think I'm done ranting now.